Starting to feel a bit more disconnected. Like a puzzle piece forcing it's self into a slot not made for it. The world around me just feels really crooked. The things people say, the way they act, the way they cope, the way I can't possibly understand what's in their head or how they feel about things. It's made me want to be mute, I feel like everything I say or do is just wrong, and that people are being offended by me speaking or inputting an opinion, or if I look at them in any way I worry they think I'm judging them or that they think I find them odd. I wounder if people think I couldn't possibly relate in any circumstance, like these things they find even more of a big deal to them I see more as an everyday thing and find it normal, but when they think about it, they think they're going nuts and they don't understand why they do those things, like there must be an issue because you don't do it the way everyone else does, or you think things that others also think but don't voice their thoughts on the matter because of the matter you're concerned about and feeling like you're nuts when so many think that way too. I'm nervous most of the time and i feel like people can't stand my presence. A lot of the time I question my mental state as in if I'm mentally challenged or perhaps autistic and that people are just around me out of sympathy and the fact I never leave them alone. I know questioning it makes me appear it, but it's hard to tell because I don't know if my perspective is being seen the same way as those around me and it bothers me so much. I don't understand why people are around me though. Like I see the way people talk about one another and I just panic in my head questioning and worrying about all the things they're saying because I may feel like I've done that or I'm worried that I might so I try to keep it in mind, but I just feel like I'm being scolded each time, even if it's not about me.
I've realized my face doesn't show much emotion and it bothers me a lot. Like it's super aggravating when you feel like you're making a facial expression but your face looks the same to everyone around you. I mean people probably think I'm bored with them, or that I didn't find something amusing unless I openly make a noise, they may even think I'm not happy, and it makes me feel bad cause usually I am enjoying myself. It makes it even worse though when you're with someone who has similar feelings they just are more vocal about it than you, so they think they're doing something wrong and you're just there like you're not I am, but everything feels like a lie because you both don't know how to not be paranoid.
I don't want people to think I'm trying to buy their friendship, or that I want to use them for anything other than their company. I just, I don't know I genuinely think people deserve things, and I want them to enjoy things and do things and not be left out. I recognize I have money, and I have a better yet not productive position than them and so I feel as being the mooch who milks it at home with her parents at the age of 21 not paying rent or going to school but instead smoking pot, drinking, staying out late, not sleeping or being able to save cash even with such fantastic circumstances that makes me feel like a sleezy bastard failure of a person that I could at least help them who are money bound and busting their asses by picking up the bill or getting some nifty stuffs to show I appreciate them and I look up to them, and I think they're great people and I'm proud of them. I feel like people don't get rewarded enough and that's what makes things seem pointless. Like "what's the point in doing this if nothing good is ever gana come my way." I want to think by occasionally spoiling them it means that there is good karma and nice things can happen to them.
I'm not good with words, I can't speak my mind easily or fluently. Things ramble together and soon I find my mind jumping from the first word to whole new paragraph and I can't remember half of what I wanted to say and it just seems pointless to even try anymore. I like to listen, I like to hear what people have to say, and I accept that some people don't want you to relate your story's with them they want you're attention and to listen to what they say even if you think you're able to sympathize. Some people may take it as you're trying to under mind them or make it seem like their thoughts and emotions are not as big as a deal than it is for them. The only thing I really know how to do is try to relate because I want to get some kind of an idea of where it's coming from, even if it's just a dent in their wreckage.
I've been going through a mental transition lately that I've noticed, and I had a moment where I felt like the puzzle piece fit and that I belonged and there were none of these other thoughts going through my head like the constant worrying of what others are thinking all the time. I don't really understand how to explain the feeling so much other than it made me feel like I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't particularly say much but I felt right and okay, and I question if that's how you're supposed to feel like if this is something most people see as normal because I don't remember ever feeling like that before even if it was just for a brief moment that soon switched from my center to an outer angle, noticing although i had felt connected that I was really just doing what I normally do, sit and listen not really participating. It's like the puzzle piece might of looked like it had a chance there, but it's the wrong piece and it doesn't work. That shift is what gets to me and makes me dislike every action I make.
Another thing that makes me feel pretty disconnected is this lack of sexual attraction and lack of interest in romantic relations. You hear people talk about their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and issues regarding the whole topic, and I'd love to contribute but I really don't understand the obsession or attraction to it all that people have and I feel like a robot sitting in a room where people talk about it like it's a daily occurrence. I can appreciate a persons appearance, talents, and personality and find them beautiful, attractive, adorable, doesn't matter gender or race. I don't want to sleep with these people, I don't want to touch these people, I don't really care if these people even ever talk to me. I just appreciate them and recognize what makes them attractive. Don't get me wrong, i think that the love genre is adorable and I like seeing people happy together or enjoying it for entertainment purposes. I do like the idea of it, and it's something I fancy more as a thought than reality. Like when I think about having a boyfriend or significant other i think it would be great because I'd have someone I can focus on more than others and enjoy my company with them, but then you actually get in there and it's just ew no don't touch me stop talking go away holy shit this is weird fuck off i don't want this goodbye keep your face out of mine. I've run with the idea lately that I could just possibly be an a-sexual a-romantic quite possibly mildly sex repulsed person. To ever say that though would sound idiotic and like I'm trying to be a special snowflake or make up an excuse or some shit. I feel I've tried testing the waters pretty well a few times, and it didn't go anywhere because I didn't like it and recognized it's not for me. It makes me feel like an awful person though cause I feel bad for the people who do approach me showing interest and it makes me feel left out when that's literally like the most common topic and also a huge inspiration to many artists. So not only do you hear your friends talk about it, you hear it in the vast majority of music, it's normally a huge thing in a novel, movie, or tv show, it spikes controversy through the news, and is so neatly decorated to make it so desirable and necessary to have if you want to be normal and happy in this society. The topic just gets crammed into your head and makes you feel wrong.
Something that's not so much it makes me feel left out but more so that it really just aggravates me is that I like to draw, and I'm okay at it. I'll recognize that I have more of an understanding on somethings than others I know that allows me to appear as a good "artist" to those who don't have as much of a grasp or understanding, but it doesn't make me fantastic. I have a lot of artist friends, and as art is impossible to define and should never be given set rules on how to art correctly when it's just really do what the fuck you want. Some people will share critiques or explain how they do their work to help people get ideas in case there was a technique they really wanted to do or experiment with but don't know how to go about it, if someone wants to try and make a person and have them be proportionate to life they may see the steps that some people use to help simplify it and let you practice. or maybe they'll leave a suggestion on how it would look more appealing to the eye in their opinion. I don't see it as telling people how to art as it's just useful information that you can use if there's an idea or thought in your head that you want to get out and made and you don't know how to start on your own.
Anyways, getting side tracked, I get praised a lot about my stuff, and it makes me happy because I do like positive attention, but then it feels like if I try to talk to anyone else about it I feel like they think I think I'm better than them, and that I'm just being an asshole when and if I try to say anything, and when I really do like someones stuff and tell them why I feel like they think I'm full of shit, but even if I notice some things that would feel like flaws to me if I drew it, I know they put a lot of work and effort into it, I know it's annoying, I know it's hard to get things right and the majority of the time you can't get what's in your head on the paper. I appreciate the concept and idea the creator put into their work, i like seeing the details they focused on, and I love the ability that they even managed to create something. I feel all of that together is enough of a reason to appreciate what someone has made. I don't like when people try to act like I don't understand how hard it is to do something like I managed to magically understand what I do now without practicing, researching, taking others advice, looking at other peoples work and styles, and even watching people making these things from scratch just so I could get a better understanding and try to improve in ways I like and would like to pick out from all I have seen. I used to draw for hours daily. As a child in elementary school i would ignore the others and just draw and think of fun characters and stories with no words, they looked awful but I enjoyed it. I couldn't sleep at night and would often find myself laying in bed scribbling away all through the night. Soon I wanted to be noticed by my sister, I wanted to be better than her, I wanted my parents to notice and praise me for my art like they did her. I had my artsy friends show me how they practiced and how they drew, I learned from that and took off. I went to middle school in a creative and performing arts school, I remember realizing how shitty I truly was when I arrived. there were so many people who were miles and miles ahead of me and I could only gock and admire but I had to try and not copy their style but use their methods for my own. Normally my drawings are spontaneous with out a concept or much of an idea, but sometimes I'll have a thought. I try very hard to think about this image in my head, and pretty much it goes, if I can't draw the details in my mind, how am I supposed to do it on paper? It means I have no clear understanding to the image in my head and is more of an idea. You have to break down variables such as color, perspective, style, where you feel your lines are appropriate and do you even know what this thing fully looks like without reference? Side tracking again, but it makes me really upset that people who I know take pride in their art and I like and admire their art too express themselves towards my stuff as making them not feel good about themselves. It's like the one thing I can take even a tiny bit of pride in about myself is tarnished and turned into something that I can't be happy about. I feel like anytime I get praised for my stuff it's wrong, because I see other peoples work and I notice how much work and effort they put into it and I look at mine and just it's lazy and half assed and rushed and I notice my mistakes but I lack the ability or am not willing to fix the problems.
Just like I lack the ability or the will to fix what is wrong with myself, what is wrong with my perspective on life, on people, on society, on just everything. It's like standing in front of a wall I can't climb, i can't go around, and I can't break through, a wall that's a room, a concrete box, no doors but a meal slot and a small hole that lets me see the outside. It's teasing me, it's mocking me. I want to be part of it all, I want to feel warm and fuzzy by someone embrace, I want to be able to talk and relate while feeling like I belong, but as hard as I try, as much as I try to punch these walls down, my soft flesh is no good against concrete and I can pear into that world and pretend to be apart of it but I don't think I will ever truly be there, and I'll never be able to relate to those outside of my box. Sometimes it rains and the box floods through the meal slot and hole, and I have to struggle to stay a float and hope the water doesn't rise to the top, sometimes I just want to ignore the water pouring in and sleep away until the air in my lungs become bubbles.