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charly-d-squirrel

go fetus!
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Hey there!

2 min read
Alright, I've been lazy the past two... 4 years? (Well shit) I had thought a few times about getting rid of this account and making a new one, but then I wouldn't have all my terrible stuff from back when i first started to now documented. The old and the new show how I've grown or transitioned and I started this back when I was in about 7th or 8th grade so it kind of makes me happy to see that I'm not on the same level anymore, and I'm also not that much better but i think I've showed quite the bit of improvement through the years. I had more ideas back then than I do now so it's amusing to go back sometimes. Remember your roots young charles! huehue
Anywho, gana try and be more active on here, even if it's not submitting my own work, to at least go through and look at others again. Although I have to say there is an over abundance of lewd, dick pics, and just some ridiculous stuff every time I open this site. =~= =~= But ayyyyyy to each their own I suppose. If I recalled this site used to be much more strict about that kind of stuff. 
Gana have to go through my watchlist and groups and weed out some stuff but in the mean time, if anyone has any good group suggestions or even deviants you think I'd enjoy I'd love to check it out. 
Keeping this journal as positive as possible so not gana dive into the beauty of what great adventures life has brought me since last time, but hahahaha I'm still here. 
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HOWDY, AGAIN

4 min read
My oh my it's been quite some time since I've last tried writing a journal entry here. Actually last time I tried was a year ago and it was just a bunch of babbling whinny bull. Can I promise this wont be too? Errrr.... I'm not sure, we're winging it as I type.
Well what has happened this past year, folks?
For me... Hmmmmmm............ I'd say probably one of my shittiest years by just events that had occurred through out it. I'd say after everything this year, past me was a little bitch for crying and being all mopey, little did I know I was going to go through string of events that lead to an uneventful bland life that has made me quite content. Have I progressed anywhere down the road for those goals i thought I had to achieve in order to feel better, eh... well, I have my permit now? Haha I don't know, still working at the same Grocery store, still living with my parents, and don't own a car. Hey, I am saving up for a car and working towards that shiny license, my shitty little grocery store job is paying me 11 dollars a hour (beats minimum wage of 7.25 that i started with) and just yesterday my boss asked me about being assistant manager, a real good friend of mine and I have a goal to move out before 2017 comes around and we've been looking at places just trying to make sure we're financially okay before diving in. So while I have not accomplished anything, I have started some things that will eventually build up to an accomplishment if I play my cards right. 
A lot of negative things happened this year, but I can't allow them to over come the many fun small things that happened in between. I gave up on quite a few friends, but y'know what, I gained undertale this year and that's all you really need, yup. I went from getting high every day excessively to only like maybe 3 times a month really since November. It's weird because I'm used to having a high tolerance and now it's just like try and go hard like I used to and end up talking like I'm one with the vegetables. Huehuehuehue I will say not doing it so much anymore has really made my head feel a little more leveled. I'll be honest, I don't feel much of anything really anymore. Kind of feel like I'm just trying to act the emotions I think are expected of me in situations. Really I just don't care, a lot of me just wants to shrug everyone and everything off. I know it would be inconsiderate towards others though, and while I don't really care I'm also too lazy to deal with the shit that comes along with people getting upset over those things. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not excited, I'm just content I guess. Every day I still get that thought that comes through my head that has been for over a decade but I've been doing pretty well at redirecting my thoughts to something else a little better. I'm still bland, I'm still neutral, I'm still not a good person, I'm still not a bad person, I'm still angsty, I'm still whinny, I'm still just another person bumping around lost like the rest figuring out what's going on each day, watching things change  around me, making things change around me. 
heh, well yeah, that's all I got for ya. Sorry I can't be more interesting. XD
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Starting to feel a bit more disconnected. Like a puzzle piece forcing it's self into a slot not made for it. The world around me just feels really crooked. The things people say, the way they act, the way they cope, the way I can't possibly understand what's in their head or how they feel about things. It's made me want to be mute, I feel like everything I say or do is just wrong, and that people are being offended by me speaking or inputting an opinion,  or if I look at them in any way I worry they think I'm judging them or that they think I find them odd. I wounder if people think I couldn't possibly relate in any circumstance, like these things they find even more of a big deal to them I see more as an everyday thing and find it normal, but when they think about it, they think they're going nuts and they don't understand why they do those things, like there must be an issue because you don't do it the way everyone else does, or you think things that others also think but don't voice their thoughts on the matter because of the matter you're concerned about and feeling like you're nuts when so many think that way too. I'm nervous most of the time and i feel like people can't stand my presence. A lot of the time I question my mental state as in if I'm mentally challenged or perhaps autistic and that people are just around me out of sympathy and the fact I never leave them alone. I know questioning it makes me appear it, but it's hard to tell because I don't know if my perspective is being seen the same way as those around me and it bothers me so much. I don't understand why people are around me though. Like I see the way people talk about one another and I just panic in my head questioning and worrying about all the things they're saying because I may feel like I've done that or I'm worried that I might so I try to keep it in mind, but I just feel like I'm being scolded each time, even if it's not about me. 
I've realized my face doesn't show much emotion and it bothers me a lot. Like it's super aggravating when you feel like you're making a facial expression but your face looks the same to everyone around you. I mean people probably think I'm bored with them, or that I didn't find something amusing unless I openly make a noise, they may even think I'm not happy, and it makes me feel bad cause usually I am enjoying myself. It makes it even worse though when you're with someone who has similar feelings they just are more vocal about it than you, so they think they're doing something wrong and you're just there like you're not I am, but everything feels like a lie because you both don't know how to not be paranoid. 
I don't want people to think I'm trying to buy their friendship, or that I want to use them for anything other than their company. I just, I don't know I genuinely think people deserve things, and I want them to enjoy things and do things and not be left out. I recognize I have money, and I have a better yet not productive position than them and so I feel as being the mooch who milks it at home with her parents at the age of 21 not paying rent or going to school but instead smoking pot, drinking, staying out late, not sleeping or being able to save cash even with such fantastic circumstances that makes me feel like a sleezy bastard failure of a person that I could at least help them who are money bound and busting their asses by picking up the bill or getting some nifty stuffs to show I appreciate them and I look up to them, and I think they're great people and I'm proud of them. I feel like people don't get rewarded enough and that's what makes things seem pointless. Like "what's the point in doing this if nothing good is ever gana come my way." I want to think by occasionally spoiling them it means that there is good karma and nice things can happen to them. 
I'm not good with words, I can't speak my mind easily or fluently. Things ramble together and soon I find my mind jumping from the first word to whole new paragraph and I can't remember half of what I wanted to say and it just seems pointless to even try anymore. I like to listen, I like to hear what people have to say, and I accept that some people don't want you to relate your story's with them they want you're attention and to listen to what they say even if you think you're able to sympathize. Some people may take it as you're trying to under mind them or make it seem like their thoughts and emotions are not as big as a deal than it is for them. The only thing I really know how to do is try to relate because I want to get some kind of an idea of where it's coming from, even if it's just a dent in their wreckage. 
I've been going through a mental transition lately that I've noticed, and I had a moment where I felt like the puzzle piece fit and that I belonged and there were none of these other thoughts going through my head like the constant worrying of what others are thinking all the time. I don't really understand how to explain the feeling so much other than it made me feel like I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't particularly say much but I felt right and okay, and I question if that's how you're supposed to feel like if this is something most people see as normal because I don't remember ever feeling like that before even if it was just for a brief moment that soon switched from my center to an outer angle, noticing although i had felt connected that I was really just doing what I normally do, sit and listen not really participating. It's like the puzzle piece might of looked like it had a chance there, but it's the wrong piece and it doesn't work. That shift is what gets to me and makes me dislike every action I make. 
Another thing that makes me feel pretty disconnected is this lack of sexual attraction and lack of interest in romantic relations. You hear people talk about their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and issues regarding the whole topic, and I'd love to contribute but I really don't understand the obsession or attraction to it all that people have and I feel like a robot sitting in a room where people talk about it like it's a daily occurrence.  I can appreciate a persons appearance, talents, and personality and find them beautiful, attractive, adorable, doesn't matter gender or race. I don't want to sleep with these people, I don't want to touch these people, I don't really care if these people even ever talk to me. I just appreciate them and recognize what makes them attractive. Don't get me wrong, i think that the love genre is adorable and I like seeing people happy together or enjoying it for entertainment purposes. I do like the idea of it, and it's something I fancy more as a thought than reality. Like when I think about having a boyfriend or significant other i think it would be great because I'd have someone I can focus on more than others and enjoy my company with them, but then you actually get in there and it's just ew no don't touch me stop talking go away holy shit this is weird fuck off i don't want this goodbye keep your face out of mine. I've run with the idea lately that I could just possibly be an a-sexual a-romantic quite possibly mildly sex repulsed person. To ever say that though would sound idiotic and like I'm trying to be a special snowflake or make up an excuse or some shit. I feel I've tried testing the waters pretty well a few times, and it didn't go anywhere because I didn't like it and recognized it's not for me. It makes me feel like an awful person though cause I feel bad for the people who do approach me showing interest and it makes me feel left out when that's literally like the most common topic and also a huge inspiration to many artists. So not only do you hear your friends talk about it, you hear it in the vast majority of music, it's normally a huge thing in a novel, movie, or tv show, it spikes controversy through the news, and is so neatly decorated to make it so desirable and necessary to have if you want to be normal and happy in this society. The topic just gets crammed into your head and makes you feel wrong. 
Something that's not so much it makes me feel left out but more so that it really just aggravates me is that I like to draw, and I'm okay at it. I'll recognize that I have more of an understanding on somethings than others I know that allows me to appear as a good "artist" to those who don't have as much of a grasp or understanding, but it doesn't make me fantastic. I have a lot of artist friends, and as art is impossible to define and should never be given set rules on how to art correctly when it's just really do what the fuck you want. Some people will share critiques or explain how they do their work to help people get ideas in case there was a technique they really wanted to do or experiment with but don't know how to go about it, if someone wants to try and make a person and have them be proportionate to life they may see the steps that some people use to help simplify it and let you practice. or maybe they'll leave a suggestion on how it would look more appealing to the eye in their opinion. I don't see it as telling people how to art as it's just useful information that you can use if there's an idea or thought in your head that you want to get out and made and you don't know how to start on your own.
Anyways, getting side tracked, I get praised a lot about my stuff, and it makes me happy because I do like positive attention, but then it feels like if I try to talk to anyone else about it I feel like they think I think I'm better than them, and that I'm just being an asshole when and if I try to say anything, and when I really do like someones stuff and tell them why I feel like they think I'm full of shit, but even if I notice some things that would feel like flaws to me if I drew it, I know they put a lot of work and effort into it, I know it's annoying, I know it's hard to get things right and the majority of the time you can't get what's in your head on the paper. I appreciate the concept and idea the creator put into their work, i like seeing the details they focused on, and I love the ability that they even managed to create something. I feel all of that together is enough of a reason to appreciate what someone has made. I don't like when people try to act like I don't understand how hard it is to do something like I managed to magically understand what I do now without practicing, researching, taking others advice, looking at other peoples work and styles, and even watching people making these things from scratch just so I could get a better understanding and try to improve in ways I like and would like to pick out from all I have seen. I used to draw for hours daily. As a child in elementary school i would ignore the others and just draw and think of fun characters and stories with no words, they looked awful but I enjoyed it. I couldn't sleep at night and would often find myself laying in bed scribbling away all through the night. Soon I wanted to be noticed by my sister, I wanted to be better than her, I wanted my parents to notice and praise me for my art like they did her. I had my artsy friends show me how they practiced and how they drew, I learned from that and took off. I went to middle school in a creative and performing arts school, I remember realizing how shitty I truly was when I arrived. there were so many people who were miles and miles ahead of me and I could only gock and admire but I had to try and not copy their style but use their methods for my own. Normally my drawings are spontaneous with out a concept or much of an idea, but sometimes I'll have a thought. I try very hard to think about this image in my head, and pretty much it goes, if I can't draw the details in my mind, how am I supposed to do it on paper? It means I have no clear understanding to the image in my head and is more of an idea. You have to break down variables such as color, perspective, style, where you feel your lines are appropriate and do you even know what this thing fully looks like without reference? Side tracking again, but it makes me really upset that people who I know take pride in their art and I like and admire their art too express themselves towards my stuff as making them not feel good about themselves. It's like the one thing I can take even a tiny bit of pride in about myself is tarnished and turned into something that I can't be happy about. I feel like anytime I get praised for my stuff it's wrong, because I see other peoples work and I notice how much work and effort they put into it and I look at mine and just it's lazy and half assed and rushed and I notice my mistakes but I lack the ability or am not willing to fix the problems.
Just like I lack the ability or the will to fix what is wrong with myself, what is wrong with my perspective on life, on people, on society, on just everything. It's like standing in front of a wall I can't climb, i can't go around, and I can't break through, a wall that's a room, a concrete box, no doors but a meal slot and a small hole that lets me see the outside. It's teasing me, it's mocking me. I want to be part of it all, I want to feel warm and fuzzy by someone embrace, I want to be able to talk and relate while feeling like I belong, but as hard as I try, as much as I try to punch these walls down, my soft flesh is no good against concrete and I can pear into that world and pretend to be apart of it but I don't think I will ever truly be there, and I'll never be able to relate to those outside of my box. Sometimes it rains and the box floods through the meal slot and hole, and I have to struggle to stay a float and hope the water doesn't rise to the top, sometimes I just want to ignore the water pouring in and sleep away until the air in my lungs become bubbles.
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ALMOST DONE!!!

5 min read
I JUST WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!!~

is that too much for a girl to ask for? TT^TT

Haha, hey everyone how's it been going. If yins haven't noticed I have pretty much crossed over into the brony side of life O_O Something I never thought I could ever become a part of, especially when I used to go hard on MLP calling it a show for little kids and stuff, then one day my good friend :iconnarci-at-deviant: made me watch an episode, and the next thing I knew, I was hooked. I've caught up with all the episodes that have been released so far (season 3 get here now please!!!!) and I thought that maybe the fandom would start to go down a bit for myself, but it's just been there, and it wont go away O~o Awww what ever Ponies are fucking awesome, love 'em to death. Even the brony music is pretty awesome. Livingtombstone <3 The ponies helped me a bit to get started on drawing once again since i went into some kind of funk where I just didn't want to draw anymore, so to that ponies, I say thank you! :3
Now then all Ponies aside, I've had a pretty interesting 2 weeks. Earned me some money and awards. :3 Now my success isn't actually all to successful, but hey I won something and I don't give a fuck XP over 300 bucks what now!? haha. If anything though I'd like to congratulate my dearest friend :icontokyopop131313: for the scholarships and awards she won for her amazing art pieces she submitted into the MCG all city art show. Although she doesn't upload work on to DA much anymore, I assure you her work is AMAZING! Makes me want to just give up on everything all together when I see her work. ^^  I hope she continues on wards in that field and makes it big, cause she is one of those people who really earns it. Congratulations buddy! ^^ wish you would upload more, haha.
Another awesome person who I have noticed has been getting a lot of attention for his art would be :iconcorpse-boy: although I don't know him in real life, I've known him on here for a few years and I think we're pretty aight buds on here ^^ Well right now he's working on a big project with these people who have awesome equipment and everything, they got the works! He's also had his work front paged on newgrounds, and he's just been accomplishing a lot of things, he's pretty awesome, if you don't know of him, then you should go to his page and check him out, he has quite the awesome mind and style to go along with it. ^^
I also have a friend who has made a new account on this site, and I would appreciate it if you would all give a look see on her page. :iconmelancibambina: she's a wonderful painter, she's helpful, and an awesome person to know. ^^
There's a lot of people I could continue on giving shout outs to in my journal but maaaaan, haha that would just keep going on and on and on forever X~x
Well I'm pretty excited, I'll be graduating from High School very very soon ^^ GOOD BYE ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS NEVER ILL I HAVE TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACES AGAIN OR SIT IN THOSE AWFUL FUCKING CLASSES OR IN THAT JAIL YOU CALL A SCHOOL! No more getting shoved when trying to go through the metal detectors then going off and having to go all the way to the back of the line again, no more having to see and hear the loud mouth ghetto children every week day, no more sneaking out the back doors and getting chased by security, none of that! it shall all finally come to an end!!! mwahahahaha! Then I can get a job, go to a decent college (if i want to >.>), and yeah. No I'm not expecting things to get a lot better once I graduate, I actually expect it to all get harder, but knowing I wont be near all of that bullshit that's in those places makes me pretty happy and not give a damn if I live my life in fucking debt. =~= MEH!
Well, I guess that's about all that I have to really talk about.
So any plans for the summer my fine friends? :3
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Howdy everyone. It's been a while since I made a journal entry, and my activity on here has been lacking as well. >>
I've been working more with ceramics lately and have drawn somethings, just never got around to finishing them. (lazy bastard I am.)
This weekend was a blast, went to Tekkoshocon (for those who don't know, it's an anime convention.) I ran around like a mental child attacking and hugging random people, I was told to be the best hugger quite a few times since i like to lift them in the air and sway them back and forth. I made some new acquaintances, and even started a kanga line outside the building that had to of had over 50 people in it. We started it inside the place, but one of the staff members told us it was as safety violation, so we took the group outside and even more people began to join ^^ We had Jesus leading us and then the Hulk, but the Hulk ended up leaving us.  
I I enjoyed my time doing various things that don't need to be mentioned, but I assure you they made the con a lot better. :3 Except for about 10 minutes where i was like "the fuck this dude talking about? get away from me you freak." but it was a short period of time that couldn't ruin my mood. :3
Although I had fun at the con, there were a lot of things that irritated me, like the lack of room, the angry staff, the disorganization, and the new rules they placed on us last minute. It's a con though, I guess I shouldn't put such high standards up for something like this.  
I met a few people from DeviantArt there in artist ally, and conversed with many people about their adorable ball jointed dolls that I have desperately been wanting for a few years now. THEY'RE SO GORGEOUS! everyone I talked to managed to give me tips one where I could look to find one I would like to buy at a reasonable price and told me about doll care and how they feel it would be best to order them. Very helpful, and I looked through some of the sites and found some dolls I'm interested in. ^^
Ah... Look at me, 18 and talking about dolls....
Well if any of you are interested in seeing what pictures I took while at Tekko feel free to browse. Mostly just Dr.Who Pictures seeing how my friend was cosplaying as the 11th doctor and wanted me to take pictures, then my camera died and i had to use my horrible phone quality pictures for the rest of the con.
www.facebook.com/media/set/?se…

so how have you all been? Do anything lately? working on cosplays?
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